exhaling agony!!

I hate myself for all what I did to myself....I punished my soul. I repent for all what I did ...today have nothing to express ......or maybe to many things are swirling in the ocean !!so I am confused where to start from...I am hollow but still i need to write ...i need to get away from all what I am observing and expressing...the biggest problem is i am suffocated but I don't know the reason behind it....these days i get irritated very easily on petty things that I would have had easily forgotten ...and this is becoming lethal to my character......a stranger resides in me these days.....when I introspect I find I have lost the essence of being abhishek sahay...... everything is so very unabhishek about me these days...i keep behaving the way i can annoy people the most ...I want to stay alone ...i want no one to ask me questions,...i want My space...I feel there is a cosmic conspiracy going on to intrude into my hidden soul......a touch to my mind or eyes use to easily touch my soul....but now a days no matter how hard one tries ...(and that includes myself.)....no matter whatever may be the effort i am unable to feel my soul...am i losing myself. i have become so mechanical....every morning i wake up thinking how to solve the mess around.....the harder i try the more entangled it gets.....again in the evening i give up thinking next morning will bring a bit of light and hope.....but alas the day is yet to come.....i am nostalgic these days....i want to go to my place ....away from gurgaon......in the mountains where i can be reborn...i want to wash away the muck in me with the cold water .......very very cold...in fact i tried it thousand times but i guess i am polluted so deeply that every layer of my soul is to be skinned and sliced ..... i miss my parents very much ....i hate myself for staying away from them.....i wish i could be with them... BUT ..i am living with a parent ......the pramath ...a faith that hates to talk to me....he is not bothered to share ….but why will one bother to …who am i…a small peck in front personality so oceanic ........in a nut shell. .it is not his fault ...he never told me that he is going to be an integral my part of my life or he is going to guide me either and thither........i assumed........why??? because i believe he is my idol.....he is the one who is to be mimicked......he is the one who will set all standards and goals for me...every bar i have to break!!but he too is a human and i understand that constraint ....he has his share of duties and responsibilities. When I try to do something with full heart he says I am an idiot and tend to over do things for him……I believe everything I have achieved here is because of him …I know I stand better than many in this college…and all because of one person here…..yeah him..a man who never showed me a path to be followed but always inspired me to make one for myself…. …but he also needs to understand that I am no eklavya…..who can learn things without even listening to a single lecture of his mentor !
I am a small kid standing on the crossroads of life waiting for my mentor to come and let me hold his fingers and follow him!!! AM I EXPECTING TOO MUCH?????